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Friday, July 12, 2013

What happened to my pregnancy test ?

I haven't tested yet ! I feel happy this way. Women who have gone through several IVFs, without success, will understand what I mean. I am a coward ; I am just trying to bury my head in sand like an ostrich. Just the thought that I am pregnant gives me so much happiness. I do not want to hear that my embies are no more inside; I  lived with their thought for 2 weeks, thinking that they are safe in my uterus. Can't I be like this for 9 more months ? I know I am irrational. Today, I  had an important scientific talk in my lab ; I can't afford to lose my sense and cry in front of others if something goes wrong. So decided not to go in for blood test today. I am planning to do a hpt Sunday morning. In this way I wil have enough space and time to mourn if the result is negative.  I wish I could see my DH smile happily on Sunday, and could feel my amma's happiness in her voice when I tell her that my pregnancy test is positive. There are so many people praying for me - let their prayers and my dream come true, please !  

9 comments:

  1. Hi Manjula,
    I wish from bottom of my heart that u wud see a big fat + on sunday. I am delurking here to say i totally adore ur writing and gives immense support and help for people who are on the same boat. I can totally relate to u when u say to see your DH and ammaz happiness.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear friend,

      You will never understand how much your words mean to me during this stressful time. Thank you so much for the kind words !

      I am very grateful to you.

      Manju

      Delete
  2. Dear Ma'm
    God willing it will be positive,be persistent as like you were always with your efforts,wishing happiness and more fortune to you....

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    Replies
    1. Dear Ashu,

      Thank you so much ! I do not know you, haven't met you, but you are always there during my difficult times and your words really help me. Thank you !

      Manju

      Delete
  3. I Know Manju...I too hate doing the beta hcg. Wished I never needed to do it and yet know its positive. Go for it, only when you want to. I am keeping fingers crossed for you. Lots of love and God's blessings. Your success this cycle would mean a lot to me. God Bless! Anjani.

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    Replies
    1. Anjani, on reading what you wrote I am crying. Thanks for understanding me. I just woke up and wondering whether I am crazy. I have collected urine, I have hpt at home but haven't had the courage to do the test until now. I am just looking at my sleeping husband, thinking about my mom.....no one in this world has to go through this.

      Anjani, my success means a lot to many people and this what is the biggest fear I am facing now. Will I kill many people's positivity and enthusiasm. I know in a way I an totally irrational and out of sense. But this reproductive challenge has made me like this.

      But thanks a lot for assuring me that I am not alone !

      Delete
  4. Manju...you are not failing anybody if this test does not work. You did not cause this situation to happen. If anybody/thing can be held responsible, its probably fate, if such a thing is indeed in play.

    And in all this, in seeing people fail again and again, and in many cases find success through unconventional pathways such as DE IVF or adoption, I've come to this rather comforting conclusion: The child we end up with is the one we were meant to have, and the connection and the significance of a child chosen for us by fate is a powerful thing indeed.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Jay ! My head understood it and my heart suffered. I agree with your words completely. I admire your fighting spirit and I know one of the 8 blsties will be in your hands !

      Love,
      Manju

      Delete

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